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Sapphire’s Story - Seasons (A poem)

When he shattered my remains

The vase broke into shards

That spoke louder than trite words

In that crystallised moment

I know that his ways are not semi

Just permanent ink

Inscribed in my marble

His soul was dark

Those eyes remote

Uncaring laughter

My cringe and anger

Nothing to bridge

I turned back into myself

Found my own way

His path laden with thistle

A voice sounded like thunder

Promise and unknown

The enemies lay at my feet

His ego was the epitome

The last palace in his soul

I saw him erect, bold and beautiful

This man who has no love

It ran like sand out to sea

What I did not understand

How these shifted

Quick and slow

Churning

No outstretched hand

The wedding ring lay off his conscience

So my consciousness rose

Like the blush of a flower

My cheeks my own

This dark thing of beauty

Becomes a screw tightening

I am myself and he stands alone

In the jet black curls

Of the remains of youth

Pillaged in a fireplace

Where I sent my love

In the days after

As the beginning of the end

Painted the night to a close

Now that I am just a woman

Not his lover

Or a friend

Afraid of vulnerability

Bravery still cloaked my bones

I am my mother's daughter

I possess strength and resolve

These twisted guts

Laid on fresh stones

So hard for me to believe

Where the lament lies

How long I lasted

Cast aside

Like discarded clothes

His masculinity, too

Starved by him

Many years of pain

Torment carved into my tree

Not the interwoven

Initials of S and R

On the beggary of his love

Rhythm of mothering

Sustain and remorse

Echoing like children

Who I birthed

Close in age

Like morse code

These blessings of life

Carry me alive only

What drags on from today

Is a toll and resonant sound

It gathers a threatening message

The funeral of a friend

Now that he is trans

Who am I

Without him

Is a void

I will be able

With any remains of strength

To stand on the inscription of

The former world

Of him and I

Bisexuality and this great divide

As breathtaking

Valour reveals my true feelings

About love, loss and fraud

I have found myself in the process

For feminists have deep roots

He is a coward

With shallow views

Of what women are

When I married I sought to

Marry my equal

Not a pale version

Of being a good person

In his mind he rides his own boat

These swells of arrogance

That show his cards

Laid down

He is a joke and

A joker in one

Not I

I am Semper Fidelis

He broke up my careful dreams

Like cutting a pie crust

Digging into the filling

With male relish

Finally and begrudgingly

He told me his new body

New sexuality

Predates our marriage

This die was cast in doom

Rewriting our vows

Now

To fit his own agenda

This narrative I reject

I refuse to accept

This is the stance

Defiance lines my spine

After years of trying to be

The person he required

As he changed each tune

I am a dancer

In the middle of a bog

Suspended by pressure

My dew was fresh and pure

Now that I have fallen

Into a fire

The privilege of being

My husband

Carries no weight

I am beset with grief

Disbelief rakes my older face

Only tears barely break

In this moment

Lashes are my only recent memory

Laid on my selfhood

He is a tempest of destruction

The greed of his needs

Overshadowed those of his kids

I stand corrected

I am the past glory

Or a vassal

He expects to come running

Now that the Spring awakens

My tired body

Stirs on as before

Where the day holds joy

Only if I bring it in

Clouds sift through

My mind

Until I clear it of him

Where is my safety

The net I misplaced

I need only love

This blanket I wrap

Around my kids

Crafted by my great-grandmother's hand

There is nowhere near

Trust or truth

The bitterness overcomes

A sweet smell of blossoms

That flirt with the British sun

There is no tonic

That can relieve abject misery

Now that the season has shifted

He is a worm

Glutton on my soil

He infiltrated my body

My life's work and time

Time lost

The big interior of empty

Is so wide

It pains like a splinter

Slipped on my ring finger

Now shed of commitment

I command myself to break down

The tether of his fate

Set to drown out

My feelings and needs

Are my own

Last month and next week

For all times to dawn

The frolicking taste of

My new freedom

Now that he is a she

This is the venom

Dark disease of lies

For twenty years of us

As partners and allies

Grownups came into our own

And five years of living

As boy and girl

Teenagers are lofty

Found each other so young

Only he can know

What he is

How he will be

His bleaching effect of the sun

Fell on my own bones

Laid down lower

So he can travel with his

Epiphany of being feminine

While cravenly clinging

To his male form

That he will not shed

Because male privilege

Is more valuable than being a girl

This is the best truth

That I can ever receive

As I have always

Known in recent years

That he will cut me

Deeper than deep

And longer than cruelty that

Escapes from his lungs

His honeymoon of sexual frivolity

Now I can be me and

He can walk the desert

Of nowhere

That serves as his home

No fixed compass to lead

This ridiculous quest

A fantastic pledge

To destroy all that we had

Could have possessed

As one


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