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Anna’s Story- Dude Looks Like a Lady

My story is from almost 40 years ago.  I married a man who wore blue jeans and t-shirts. We met in Washington,DC.  When we dated we had so many common interests in music, ballet, hiking and playing chess.  After getting married things started to change abruptly.  Suddenly, he treated me like I was his property.  He also started to belittle me in front of people and did things to keep me separated from my friends and family.  But he was always so charming to my friends that they thought I was exaggerating. 


Man's hands holding flowers and wearing jeans

When we went to rock concerts, he used to try to dress like a rock star--platform boots, spandex clothes, big jewellery and eye makeup.  I was uncomfortable with this, but was afraid to say anything. Soon he started dressing like this more and more often.  He even took to wearing clear or black nail polish.  In DC, it is not uncommon for straights to go to gay clubs. At these clubs, he made friends with a lot of very effeminate males - they shared clothing and makeup ideas.  I was just left to stand there and be ignored.  He treated me like his dog. 

 

He got more and more comfortable with criticizing me in front of everyone.  When we were alone, he would call me stupid and hide things (like my car keys).  If he didn't like some clothing item I wore, it would disappear.  In hind sight, it is silly that I let these comments get to me.  I was the one who finished college-he dropped out.  Also, he couldn't even read music or play an instrument - he just liked to dress like someone who could.  His whole life was play acting.  When he got dressed up to go out he would primp and primp in front of the mirror. He had me convinced that I was some old fashioned, small town stick-in-the-mud who got lucky enough to marry one of the 'cool kids'.  I cringe when I think about it now.

 

He would pick fights with me -- I think it was just so he could go be with his friends without me hanging around.  I had to get a separate checking account because he would spend my entire pay check on clothes for himself.  Since he drove by my workplace on the way to his place of work, he suggested we ride together and he would drop me off.  But since I separated my money from his, he charged me gas money!  I broke up with him many times, but he would always come back and say and do 'all the things' and I would take him back.   I was with him, on and off, for almost 10 years--only 1 1/2 as his wife.  What got me to leave, was when his violence kept increasing from slapping and hair pulling to punching me so hard he knocked the wind out me.   One of those times, he stood over me laughing as I gasped for air.  


When I was able to get up, I ran to the bathroom and locked the door.  He broke it down, punched me some more and left for work.  I packed what I could and left...I never looked back.  I had to hide from him for years because he said he would kill me.  A therapist once told me his behaviour was because I had what he wanted -- female body parts. The therapist said it made my ex very angry that he wasn't a woman so he took it out on me.

 

His one sister and I were friends for a long time after the divorce and she told me he started transitioning years later.  She had some childhood stories about growing up with him that are hard to hear.  His cruelty started when he was very young.

 

 

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