Question 1

What is a trans widow?

Accepted Answer

A trans widow is a woman (usually heterosexual) whose male partner or husband believes that they have a gender identity other than “man” or who cross dresses.

Question 2

Why do you call yourself trans widows?

Accepted Answer

Women in this situation report feeling like their male partner has died.  This is particularly the case if they decide to transition.  The transformation is usually so complete that their partner is unrecognisable as the man they married both in looks and in personality. The woman will be forbidden from calling her husband by his previous “dead name”. Women in this situation need a label to gather around and to identify with.  “Trans widow” is the name that we have chosen and it is enabling us to find each other.

Question 3

Is trans widow one word or two?

Accepted Answer

We believe that our oppression is sex based, not grammar based so either will do. Similarly, we didn't invent the term but if anybody knows who did, we will happily credit them!

Question 4

Trans widows? Isn't this term offensive?

Accepted Answer

Your husband is not dead.  Surely you appropriating the term “widow” is very offensive to actual widows? Many actual widows have confirmed that they are not insulted in the slightest and understand that the analogy is appropriate. It is common for the word “widow” to be used as an analogy as well as in its literal sense e.g. “golf widow”.

Question 5

What about the women who are perfectly happy with their trans husbands?

Accepted Answer

We wish them all the best and note that they are able to get support from transgender organisations.  We are here if and when their situation changes.

Question 6

Who runs this website?

Accepted Answer

I am TinselAngel, I am a UK based trans widow, and I have been supporting other trans widows online for several years now.  Mainly via Mumsnet and Twitter but also via other channels.  I also work to raise awareness of trans widows and to amplify their voices. Our transitioning husbands are feted as stunning and brave, and we are expected to be supportive or even to celebrate their transition.  Those of us who are unhappy or who chose to leave have been largely ignored.  It is time the women involved in this phenomenon had equal coverage. I am a feminist (of the second wave variety) and a mother.  I try and bring a feminist analysis to my work with other trans widows and in my campaigning and consciousness raising.

Question 7

Why are you anonymous?

Accepted Answer

Simply because if we are not, we fear reprisals from our ex-husbands or from their supporters.  We also like not being sued.

Question 8

Why didn't you leave sooner/stay?

Accepted Answer

We never judge women for leaving, for not leaving, or for not leaving soon enough.  We understand how difficult it can be for a woman to leave a marriage.

Question 9

Have you made these stories up?

Accepted Answer

No. The stories are contributed by women who have sought support and who are now being given the opportunity to share their stories. More stories will be added as we receive them.   Why are you anonymous? Simply because if we are not, we fear reprisals from our ex-husbands or from their supporters.  We also like not being sued

Question 10

Why don’t you educate yourselves about gender?

Accepted Answer

Most of the women who contribute to this site are extensively educated in feminism and gender.  We do not lack knowledge.  We chose to tell our own truth.

Question 11

Are you transphobic?

Accepted Answer

No. We believe that our reality is as valid as that of our ex-husbands.

Question 12

Autogynephilia doesn’t exist - the theory has been discredited.

Accepted Answer

Some say that this theory has been discredited and ask why we are propagating a myth / lies? We don't believe that we are, we are merely reporting our own experiences in this area.

Question 13

Your stories seem very extreme, wouldn't you have a wider reach if you toned them down a bit?

Accepted Answer

We allow women to tell their stories in their own words and to share whatever relevant experiences they wish. The only proviso we make is the use of correct sex pronouns.  We do not judge whether women's stories are easily digestible or whether they will play well with the casual reader.  The aim of this website is to amplify trans widows' voices no matter how uncomfortable their stories may be.  We hope that in doing this, as well enabling women to know they are not alone, we will provide an evidence base that will help to establish just what is the norm for trans widows.

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